It’s 11:43 am. Nothing has gone like it’s supposed to today, or frankly any of the last few days. My blood sugar has decided to spike for no good reason whatsoever. What I thought was just from a poor meal choice extended into several days’ worth of barely getting out of the 200s range. My 10-month-old decided that these were THE nights to not sleep. Teething? Growth spurt? The cold that’s been circulating in our family for over two weeks? Who knows. All I know is that I’ve been up 4-6 times every night with a baby who insists on nursing and is taking forever to fall back asleep. I’m beyond exhausted. Every joint in my body aches. Even my fingers as I’m typing are sore. I can’t bend my neck one way from falling asleep weird in the glider chair. I just ache. This is my gritty mama truth. It isn’t glorious or glamorous, it’s persevering in the mundane of chronic disease and life.
I haven’t been able to eat yet because I was too high. Now that I’m finally starting to come down, I’m still not sure when I’ll get my next meal because we’re coming up on lunch and nap time for my toddler. I also know that as SOON as he is done going down for nap, the baby will wake up from her morning nap and be ready to eat. It also just happens that today of all days I had to keep my kindergartener home because the cough that he had been trying to get over the last week or two decided to get worse. I’m coordinating calls to his school, the pediatrician, and trying to figure out if my husband can drive him to his doctor appt because I’m honestly not sure I should be behind a wheel right now.
The TV has been my two boys’ entertainment today because I can barely get myself to get up off the couch. I’m not dressed. They aren’t dressed. I still have yesterday’s makeup on my face. All I’m managing to do is drink water with my electrolyte tablets, hoping that it’ll help me with the dizziness every time I move and help me ignore the gnawing hunger that’s in my stomach. Nursing a baby and not being able to eat enough calories the last few days because of too high of blood sugars, makes for a very hungry mommy.
My backup (aka my husband) is severely limited because of a big project at work that is helping Florida deal with emergency services from the hurricane. He has worked through the night and the last day. He’s also exhausted and it’s such important work, how in the world can I complain?
I could go on. I could talk some more about all the ways I’m failing at being a mom right now. It’s tempting to fall into a pit of self-pity, guilt, and frustration. Yet, I can’t. The urge to let my feelings to take over is strong right now. I don’t. The self-control it takes to not eat when I’m high, to limit the amount of carbs I eat when I’m low, to keep going even when I can barely think straight is stronger than my wayward thoughts. I’m strong.
You know what else? I may not be a great mom today, but I’m still a great mom. Just like my time-in-range goals, it isn’t going to be every day that I hit the 70% or higher mark as a mom. But my parenting trend? My averages? It’s at least 70% or much higher. That’s what I cling to. On days like today, I focus on what I can control rather than all the things I can’t. This is my gritty mama truth.
